The Malfoy Crown Affair
by Adie Ornament
Summary: Draco sets forth onto his quest to find a wench...er, wife before his father dies. Shall he succeed? Probably not.
1. The Challenge

**Disclaimer- We do not own the characters, they belong to J.K.Rowling, if we did own them, we wouldn't be here on We'd probably be on a ritzy cruise (but not TOM! hahaha) sailing around the Bahamas.**

**Cheers, Adie Ornament.**

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**Meet Draco - The Aristocratic Pyromaniac **

"Excuse me, Your Highness."

"What do you want? I'm obviously very, very busy." Draco flipped the page of his book and snuggled down deeper into the plush green armchair. He adjusted his specs, his eyes never once leaving the page. The messenger shuffled as he noticed the young man as making no move to leave or even listen.

"Your Highness, the king says it is an emergency-"

"Shove it."

"Your father is dying!"

"Really? Fascinating. Fortunately, I don't care. Sod off."

"O, woe is the kingdom! The king is on his last legs!"

"Yes, but how many legs has that man got? The whole "live forever" thing is all rather undignified."

"T'will be the most unhappy day. O unhappy day! The doctors give him but a month to live, Your Highness."

"Are you quite sure, lowly plebeian?"

"They are at his bedside now, Your Highness."

"Yes well, he did take his bloody time, didn't he? Pity though it's November. Winter is so drab for a coronation." He smiled to himself. "My coronation."

"This is your father, how can you be so cold blooded?" Draco hissed here. The messenger narrowed his eyes as if struck with a most unpleasant thought or perhaps he thought himself clever or attractive. Unfortunately, he was neither. "Are you really Prince Draco, Duke of Manchester?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "No, I'm a bowl of soup. Leave my sight urchin, before I use you for target practice." The rotund boy left, slamming the Royal Library doors behind him. Draco smiled, finally content to be rid of such an eyesore and the King. He raised out of his chair and made for the fireplace, passing rows of polished oak tables. The empty tables were a familiar sight to him, it seemed as though no books or hands had touched them, not even dust settled upon the dark brown surfaces except... A lone piece of parchment caught Draco's eye, he picked it up and read and slowly, the importance of it sunk in.

"I'm not in his will...I'm not in his will! Lucius, you dying bastard!" Draco cursed, crumpling and uncrumpling until the will was as crumpled as a very crumpled thing indeed. Finally calm, Draco knew there had to be some sort of logical or rational reason for this. "Well, this...this is insane, I'm his only son, heir to the throne. Surly t'is but a-"

"Misunderstanding? Yes, I suppose it is quite possible for King Lucius to have forgotten to put his son in his will."

Draco looked up to see a tall man shrouded with what looked to be skins. "Gods Zabini, where did you get back from? The war?"

"I was hunting actually, it's what men do. We don't sit around inside like pussies."

"You look like a pussy."

"Still jealous?"

"Still delusional?"

"Not as delusional as this one bloke I know. Thinks his father simply forgot to write him into his will. Completely mental, really."

"Shut up. I better speak to him today, before he dies and all."

"Anyways, enough of this bore. I was thinking we could take a trip down-"

"Old memory lane? 'Fraid I'll have to pass, dying father and all."

"I was thinking more along the lines of a pub or brothel."

"Typical Blaise, only ever thinking about the important things in life. Woman. Money. Beer."

"You flatter me but no. I was merely looking out for your well being, you look rather pale. How long ago did your perfectly sculpted face see sunshine?"

Draco rolled his eyes. "I'd say a couple months ago, hard to find a break between balancing work, repressing the church and peasants and ruling the kingdom."

"Exactly why you should come with me today. All of a sudden I was struck with an idea-"

"Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea where this is going myself." Draco muttered.

"We go down to the pub-"

"Or local whore house?"

"Yes! We spend all our money on women and beer-"

Draco faked enthusiasm. "Of course!"

"And this is the best part-" Here Draco joined in. "We get totally pissed."

"Zabini, you always manage to surprise me."

"Cut the crap, _Your Highness_. You coming?"

"No."

"Come on Draco, where's your sense of fun? Come on."

"Let's see, I have a feeling that I'll say 'No, I am never going anywhere with you, you complete and utter ponce', then you'll say something along the lines of 'Please Draco, you're my only friend. Who else can I count on to lend a supportive hand when I make a drunken spectacle out of myself and regurgitate my innards over the visiting foreign nobles?" to which I will most definitely reply 'There is not a chance in hell that person will be me'. So, what do say we just skip this idle banter, and get to the scrap?"

"Sounds good." And with that Blaise punched him in the stomach, launching him into a nearby bookshelf.

"You-"

"Bastard? Sadist? I get it already. Just hurry up and fight back." Here Blaise paused, putting down his fists. "Or, have you had enough already?"

Draco punched him across the face, sending him sailing over a table. "Poofter."

"Vampire." Smack.

"Slut." Pow.

"Conceited pig." Slap.

Draco stared at him. "Did...did you just slap me?"

Blaise coughed. "No, uh, no that was a very...very manly punch. You just dodged it."

"Right. So, what your saying is that, your girly, little slap just skimmed over me?"

"No. You're just to sissy-y to take a hit."

"Oh, really? I think-"

"Posh and hey nonny nonny, let's just go down for a beer and all that giggles and tits."

"Yeah, al'right. Just give me one second, have to do something. Meet me outside the gates."

Blaise stared at him suspiciously before leaving the library. Draco stared at the parchment in his hands, the evil, wicked, vile piece of writing. "You shall pay dearly for this father. I promise you this, that throne, that crown and all your money will be mine." Draco laughed until he was quite out of breath and then strode towards the fire with only one thing on his mind. Revenge.

XxXxX

"What took you so long?"

Draco bore an evil glint in his eye. "Business."

"Really? Why do I get the impression you're lying to me?"

Draco feigned innocence. "Who? Me?"

"No, Queen Victoria."

"No need to be sarcastic."

"Wouldn't want to steal your glory."

"Exactly. Now then, lead on Zabini. To the Hog's Head!"

"To the Hog's Head!" Blaise and Draco walked towards the town, a foul smell in the air shook them out of their good moods. "Draco? Do you smell something...burning?"

"We best run. The library's on fire."

Later that evening…

"Your Majesty, I present, Prince Draco!"

Draco leapt into his father's bedroom in a rather undignified manner.

"Draco, why have you leapt into my room in a rather undignified manner? Can't you see I'm on my death bed?"

Draco staggered across the room, falling to the ground after hitting the edge of King Lucius's bed. His hair was no longer smoothed back but dishevled and loose. His robes that once clung to his toned body were gone, clinging to the floor of the The Hog's Head instead. His breath which once smelled of the food he had eaten for lunch, now reeked with vulgarity and alcohol. "Hello father. You look positively spiffing today. I love what you've done to the room, the dim light really brings out the colour of your eyes." He slurred his words, spraying spit onto the silver velvet duvet that coiled itself around Lucius.

"They're cataracts you clot." Draco continued to dribble onto the bed sheets while Lucius stared on in horror. "Next time you wish to visit me, make sure you're actually in right of mind."

"Yes, well, next time you wish to visit me, make sure you include me in your will, father."

"You're out of my will for very good reason."

"O, really? And, pray tell, what reason of madness is that?"

Reason of madness? How much did this boy drink? "Well, before I am to die, there are certain requirements that the next King should qualify for."

"I qualify for everything and anything."

"Draco, listen-"

"Lucius-"

"Lucius?" Insolent, drunken boy! "How dare you address me so commonly! I may be bedridden and ill but that does not mean that you may withhold my title, I am after all, still king."

"Yes! You're Lucius, king of all the little hobbly gobblies and the toady gnomes"

Lucius would have rolled his eyes at the sight before him had they not been terribly sore. His son, was speaking in the language of toddlers, spewing a disgusting shade of pink on his covers and was, perhaps most horribly of all hobbly gobblies and toady gnomes- single.

"Draco, the reason you are not included in my will is that…A king must be the epitome of perfecion. He must be handsome-"

"I am!"

"Intelligent-"

"You're looking at the definition!"

"Married."

That sobered Draco up. "Married? Have you gone mad? Lose my reputation as the handsomest, single, bastard around for the sake of a measly…"

"Throne. Exactly. I saved you the embarrassment by making sure you still had your bachelor reputation."

"Couldn't I just be seen with a wench? Isn't that good enough, I mean, it's practically the same."

Lucius glared. "Narcissa, may she burn in hell for all eternity, was already pregnant with you when I was crowned king."

"I will not be married off."

"Of course you won't."

"Really?"

"No, no, no. Who would marry you?"

"Why? The very ground I walk upon is worshipped! Every girl is dying to get her hands on me."

"Dying. Yes. To get their hands on you? No, it's mostly the plague."

"Father, you shall regret those words when I make you eat them at your last meal."

"What kind of girl could ever love you?"

"I bet you the crown, that before you die, I will have one lucky lady who is completely head-over-heels in love with me."

"Deal. Just a couple of requests."

"State your terms."

"Pureblood. Attractive. English, I will not tolerate some French or Spanish whore wearing our crown."

"Is that all?"

"She has to be of noble blood."

"As if I'd marry some lowly pauper."

"Prepare to lose, Draco."

"I. Never. Lose."

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**_Credits:_

_The king is on his last legs!"_

_"Yes, but how many legs has that man got? The whole "live forever" thing is all rather undignified."_

_No, I'm a bowl of soup_

_Yes, I think I've got a pretty shrewd idea where this is going myself_

_-All are from Blackadder, my idol and true love_

**A note from Adie:**

**Please be so kind as to review, Adie accepts anonymous reviews as well as signed ones so, there should be no reason for you to be lazy enough not to do so. Adie thanks you for reading this and says that chappie two should be out soon. Also, feel free to make suggestions for the title and also chapter titles. Adie also appreciates suggestions for the plot, If you think something would be funny, please say so.**

**Thank you and goodnight!**

**Adie**


	2. The Plan is to marry them, not eat them

-1**Disclaimer - Obviously, Adie isn't J.K.Rowling. Otherwise, it'd be just sad that she'd write fanfics based on her own novel.**

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"**Well, unfortunately for you, the plan is to marry them, not eat them"**

"You're what?"  
"I'm giving up my bachelorhood."  
"I don't believe it!"  
"No, I kid you not."  
"To whom."  
Draco coughed. "Well, that's where I do need a bit of assistance."  
"Assistance?"  
"Well, for starters, Zabini, go out unto the streets and spread the word that I, the richest, handsomest and most eligible Prince Draco, am looking for a wench."  
"You mean a wife."  
"Yes, yes, a wife. Really, it's the same thing."  
"No, no, not really-"  
"Anyways, Zabini, now that I've found a purpose for you, don't fuck it up."  
Goyle turned to his Lord Draco who, had clearly forgotten he even existed.  
"And, what may I do, milord?"  
"O, yes. You, may go unto the streets."  
"And spread the news as well?"  
"No, just unto the streets."

Draco paced back and forth as Blaise and Goyle left his presence. Now, Draco wasn't unintelligent nor was he untactful but, when it came to women, he didn't have any clue what to do. They weren't people in his eyes (which were glinting evilly), they were a possession, something to be won and Draco played to win. He would handle this as if it were war, a battle and it had started. Firstly, he must know the enemy and when it came to that, there was one thing that needed to be done.

"Stakeout."

**XxXxX**

Montague sighed. Again. For the fourth time this past minute alone.

"What, Montague? What?" Draco was getting annoyed.

"Well, something has laid itself out heavily on my mind."

"And what would that be?"

"The way I see it is, we're out here, hiding behind shrubbery, right? And, a while ago, we were back at your castle, right? So, there must have been a moment when us not being at the castle went away, right? And us hiding behind shrubbery came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?"

"Do you mean, why are we out here?"

"Yes, that sounds about right."

"Well, it's all very simple and had I known you would ask me that question sixteen times alone in a single evening, I would have brought Blaise 'look at my genitals' Zabini along instead." Draco rolled his eyes as Monatgue continued to have a dumb, confused expression on his face. "Look, we're out here because, I've hired some goons to pluck some tasty morsels-"

"What?"

"Women, Captain thicky von thick, women. So, they are to pluck-"

"You mean kidnap?"

"Well, yes, I suppose if you're all into that moral crap but as I was saying, they will take young women, of noble blood from their beds and bring them out here. Are you following?"

"Yes, I think I've got it."

"Doubtful, but, I suppose I should continue on. So, they will take these ladies and lay them out on that bridge there" Draco pointed in front of them. A rather rickety bridge, conjoining two cliffs together over a set of rapids with a bunch of lovely jagged rocks that were excellent for impaling, lay ahead of their hiding spot. "They will rope them to the bridge and leave her there to die. This is where I come in."

"We."

"What?"

"You said I when really, it's where **we** come in."

"Ah, yes, well, I'm afraid you are deeply mistaken. As per usual."

"Sorry, milord."

"Not to worry, I've learned to cope with your stupidity. It never fails to disappoint."

"So, what are you going to do?"

"I'm going to rescue her of course."

Montague looked even more confused. "But, why? You just had her kidnapped."

"But you see, this is why it's so amazingly brilliant. When I rescue her, she'll fall madly in love with me, it's what damsels in distress do. I'm quite sure there's some sort of handbook."

"I can't read, sir."

Draco rolled his eyes. "What a shocker," he muttered. Looking up he noticed two shadowy figures emerging from the forest. "Well, it's about time you got back, I mean, really, I've been hiding behind this sodding bush with this complete idiot for the past hour. How many did you find?"

A tall man with a hooked nose leered down at him. His nametag read 'Hello, my name is Snape.' "We have brought with us-"

A short man who resembled a rat interrupted. "Yes, yes! We have brought with us many girls. Live, fleshy, succulent..." He stared off into the distance, a few dribbles of saliva running down the stubble that covered the hairs on his chiny chin chin.

"Well, unfortunately for you, the plan is to marry them, not eat them." He turned to Snape as the rat man was clearly disturbed. "So, they're all nobles, yes? Pretty?"

"Yes, I suppose. Should I put them on the bridge."

"Were those not the instructions given?"

Snape hesitated. "…Yes."

"Are you being paid to ask ridiculous, stupid questions?"

"Well, you know...if you want to."

Draco sighed, clearly annoyed. From his belt, he pulled out a black velvet purse. "See this bag of money?"

"Yes."

"Well, this is what you're not going to get if you don't get a move on!"

"Right away. I know some really brilliant knots you know…" His voice faded as he and the rat man ran towards the bridge carrying rope and what appeared to be a sack of potatoes, that had sprouted arms and legs and appeared to be alive.

Montague turned to Draco who had a sinister, dark look etched into his features.

"So it begins Monatgue. So it begins."

**XxXxX**

"Stop wriggling! I'm here to save you." Finally, he undid the last knot. Blimey, Draco thought, he really was good at knots. Throwing the rope to the ground, he grabbed the bag that was over her head. Please, he thought, all I ask is that she's good looking. I can't be seen with an ugly girl. Ever.

He first noticed her luscious silvery hair which sparkled underneath the moonlight. His eyes travelling downward, he noticed the slim body and nigh translucent skin which radiated a pale glow. She was smiling at him, beckoning him with her 'come hither' glances from neath her long lashes.

Not wasting any time, he grabbed her and pulled her rosy lips to his. In fact, they were so interested in eating each others faces they didn't notice the man creeping towards them.

"All going well milord?"

Reluctantly pulling himself away from the rare beauty, he turned to face the newcomer. "Up until you came, yes."

"Sorry milord, I thought she was attacking you."

"Yes, well, I think I'd be able to handle it."

Montague made no move to suggest he was leaving.

"Without you Montague."

"Oh, right. Well, I'm leaving now. I'm going. I'll be right through these trees here." Draco turned away from him, ignoring Montague completely. "Just leaving, I'm gone. I'm gone milord." He smiled hesitantly. "That's right." Draco had mashed his face into the girl's again. "Uh, you just do what you do best." He slithered away through a patch of trees, hidden from view. "I'm gone man, I'm gone!" If Draco could see him, he may have noticed the sole tear that rolled down his cheek. But then again, this is Draco so, he probably wouldn't have.

Draco again reluctantly pulled himself from her face again. Staring deep into her eyes, he took the plunge. "Marry me?"

She shrieked in delight as he twirled her around. "_Oui!_"

Draco stopped., abruptly., causing her to fly out of his grasp. "What? I didn't quite catch that."

She stared at him. _"J'ai dis 'Mais oui!'"_

Draco fell to the ground, head in his palms. "Gods, why?"

"_Je m'appelle Fleur. Ooo la la, je suis trop excité pour notre marriage. Et toi chou?_" She moved closer to him, bringing her hands up to stroke his hair. She began to hum.

That is, she began to hum the French anthem.

**XxXxX**

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**Whao, that took quite the while to write. Hope it didn't disappoint! Thank you to bookwormfederationunlimited, Just a fan and peterpanfever for the reviews. Very encouraging.**

**The "unto the streets" lines are from Blackadder, as is "The way I see it is, we're out here, hiding behind shrubbery, right? And, a while ago, we were back at your castle, right? So, there must have been a moment when us not being at the castle went away, right? And us hiding behind shrubbery came along. So, what I want to know is: How did we get from the one case of affairs to the other case of affairs?"**

"**Do you mean, why are we out here?" Except, we of course, rephrased it. **

**Anyways, Adie would love for people to add Adie as a friend on her newly made LiveJournal account. Username is adieornament, of course. Toodles for now until chappie three!**


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